Numero Uno

My friend keeps telling me I need to get on the roller coaster.  Her way of saying I need to get over him.  And I definitely should.  But, here I am writing this while simultaneously facebook chatting with him.  It's nearly 2:30 in the morning during my first college exam week and I should really be sleeping.  But he's writing an intense personal essay and asked me to read it.  So I'm definitely not going to miss the chance.  Duh. But he needs to get out of my head.  Or I should get him out of it.  But I really don't want to.  I am not this girl, but I can see myself marrying him.  Ahhhh.  Reading that last line in my head is horrifying.  I am so far into the friend zone, but will continue fighting my way out.  He holds my hand while telling me about his crush on one of my best friends.  It only breaks my heart a little bit.

He's my best guy friend ever and my second best friend at school.  We've talked till 4 in the morning, just the two of us.  Twice.  Sometimes when I'm with him I feel more like myself than with anyone else, other times I just feel lost and don't know what to say.  He's definitely not a chick magnet, but is a huge flirt.  He had a serious girlfriend at home, but they broke up.  They still text a lot and whenever I see her name pop up on his phone I get angry.  I've never met the girl and I'm sure she's lovely, but I also kind of hate her.  Just for existing and mattering so much to him.

I have three best girl friends here, the one who told me to get on the roller coaster, the one he has a crush on, and her roommate.  I've only talked about him to the one who suggested getting over him and I can't imagine talking to the other two about him.  It's hard not having anyone to talk to about it.  I'm horrible at sharing and have such issues bringing him up.  So here I am.  Sitting on my bed, waiting the requested 15 minutes before going into the lounge to read his essay that will likely be really good and moving as it's about his mother's horrible depression during his senior year of high school and writing about him on a blog, trying to figure out what it is about him that makes me relate to Taylor Swift songs.  I freaking hate Taylor Swift.

It's strange to think back and try to figure out how I got here.  It's like I've known him forever and liked him just as long, though it's only been a few months.

Time to go fall a little harder for him, but I'll keep climbing out of the black hole of friendship and reaching for something more.